Kafr Nabel Wives Constrained by Tradition

With their husband’s detained, some have remarried, while others have raised children on their own

(Kafr Nabel – Syria) “Mother, please don’t leave me. I don’t want to go to my grandfather’s house, I want to stay with you,” screams five-year-old Sami, as his uncle forcibly drags him from his mother’s arms.

Despite her tears, Sami’s mother tries to calm him. “Don’t cry, son, I will always visit you.”

Amal, 25, decided to get married and leave Sami after waiting two years for his detained father to be released. She is one of many women whose husbands have been imprisoned. Their ordeal begins with a merciless society and traditions that control their lives.

“I decided to marry because of pressures from my family, my husband’s family, and society,” she said. Her in-laws want her and her son to live with them, but her parents disapprove. They worry about their reputation, particularly since her brothers-in-law are bachelors.

“My daughter is still young and her husband has been in prison for two years. We don’t know if he is dead or alive,” said Amal’s mother. “A suitor asked for her hand in marriage and it is better for her to get married and live her life. Amal’s in-laws do not offer her or their grandson any financial support,” she added.

Amal’s mother-in-law views the situation differently. “She and her son were supposed to live with us. We would have taken care of them both until her husband is released from prison. We are not obliged to support her and her family. She can get married, but our grandson stays with us.”

“It is shameful for her to get married while her husband is in prison,” her father-in-law said. “He is not dead and may be released at any time.”

“Shari’a law permits a woman to get married if she has not seen her husband for two years,” explained Sheikh Abdallah al-Bayyoush.

Amal is one of four women in Kafr Nabel who got married after their husbands were arrested.

Ilham sits at the other end of the spectrum. She is one of many women in the same circumstances who did not get married and continued to defy tradition and social pressure in order to raise her children.

“Of course I think about marriage, but I have five children and they need me. I am not going to abandon them for any reason,” said Ilham, 33.

She relies on financial assistance from some organisations, but it is not enough.

“I do not go out looking for financial help because I am ashamed. It feels like I am begging. Our society frowns upon women who go out in search of money,” she added.

Ilham noted that her bother-in-law, Ahmad, gives her small sums of money on an infrequent basis, although it is not enough.

However, Ahmad does not believe that he is shirking his responsibility towards his brother’s family and maintains that the amount he gives them is enough.

Salim, 10, is Ilham’s eldest son. “I left school to find work so I could help my mother after my father was arrested,” he said. He works with his aunt’s husband in a falafel restaurant. His salary is not enough to cover all their needs, but it buys their daily bread.

“My brothers all go to school and I want them to graduate and fulfill their ambitions,” he said. “I lost my educational future, and I don’t want them to lose it as well.”

Salim believes that his father’s arrest transformed him from a boy into a man with a huge burden. He could not hide his tears as he spoke of missing his father’s tenderness.

“Our neighbor Ilham’s situation is bad,” said Amna, who lives a few houses away and had to lend Ilham money more than once. She recalls having lent her money to take her children to the doctor and to buy their medication.

“The aid that we receive is not enough, but we try to distribute it equitably among those in need- widows, defectors, families of prisoners, and the displaced,” said Sheikh Khaled al-Fadel, the director of the Huda Foundation in Kafr Nabel.

“We receive 500 food baskets but we have 700 families to feed. Whoever comes to the foundation gets a basket, and those that don’t show up don’t. We hope that they will get something with the next batch of aid,” he added.

“I live with the hopes of my husband being released from prison, and I will not feel despondent,” Ilham concluded.